Posted on March 19, 2016

How to recover his serenity after a questionable dismissal? How to turn a painful page? How to get out of a traumatic relationship experience? How to get rid of a grudge?
The answer is a test in itself: one frees oneself from grudges by forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process of reconciliation. It can also be used for physical, mental and emotional well-being. The one who is able to practice it even increases self-esteem.
Families torn “from generation to generation”, siblings scrambled “to death”, couples skinned to life, friendship broken “forever”, teams “irremediably” divided, colleagues enemies “jurés” … These casualties are at the same time And the victims of their own excesses. Their refusal, ignorance, intransigence, are all forms of emotional incompetence that lead them to betray a duty of moral and material solidarity towards their communities.
More often than not, these social accident victims cause and undergo simultaneously a brutal and tragic rupture of the relationship. A whole range of sequels ensues as long as this unfinished situation continues: torments, suffering, grudges, resentments, projections, anger, etc. Each part seems blocked, immersed in an existential solitude, entangled in the process that led to the rupture of the contact.
There are two ways to pass through these events and to limit their damage:
1. That of waiting for time to mitigate the effects on your ego.
2. That much faster and infinitely more rich in teachings that leads you to repair in yourself the damage caused by inadequately developed personal skills.

It is this second approach that we choose to present below. We suggest you take charge of your own recovery and get out of the top of all sorts of social accidents.
Because Gestalt is interested in the conditions that favor the smooth running of an experiment, it offers a constructive answer to this question. We refer you to Chapter 3 of the book “Elite Manager” for more details on this approach.

For remission

1. Name the trauma

Press on the emotions it arouses (Plutchik wheel).

Sadness, anger, fear, resignation, aversion, outrage … Talk about one’s own experience. Be careful not to confuse objectively observable facts with personal interpretations.

Example 1: (angry)
I am angry because he lied to me by not respecting his promise.

Example 2: (outrage)
I am outraged by their disrespect.

2. Identify and detail the offense

Trust, disrespect, betrayal, manipulation, deceit, lies, abuse of power, compulsion, threat, insults, humiliation, shame …
What makes me so sensitive to this offense?

Example 1: (treason)
I do not accept that my trust is betrayed. I feel manipulated, it is out of question to pass the sponge if nothing changes.

Example 2: (insolence)
I can not stand such insolence on the part of my adult children.

3. Identify your vulnerabilities

To what dangers does this offense expose me?
It is important to be honest with yourself because this step brings up a personal vulnerability identified or to be identified.
Another way to ask this question in Step 3 is: “How vulnerable do I preserve myself by legitimizing my intransigence? “.

Example 1: (credulity)
I tend (need?) To believe everything that is said to me. I know I’m pretty naive, vulnerable to manipulation, cheating, and so on.

Example 2: (power)
I am afraid of losing my authority as the head of the family and exposing frailties of which I am ashamed.

4. Reassess your responsibility

Your responsibility in the current blockage lies behind your condemnation of others. If you are disconcerted by the fragility of your defense system, do you have to be held responsible only for others?

Example 1: Actually, I’m easy to fool. I realize that I resent him for lying to me because he ignored my fragility. (It may be ridiculous but I have to admit that this is my reality).
My responsibility is the candor with which I place my trust.

Example 2: My social status is my security. I blame you for putting me insecure by not submitting to you.
My responsibility = pride or unrelated personal conventions regarding the dominant role of the head of the family.

5. Forgive

You have to forgive yourself a lot to get used to forgiving others. (Anatole France)
If your involvement in the previous 4 steps confirms the painful evidence of your responsibility in the social accident that encumbers you, then your good faith – by itself – will be enough to repair and turn the page. The work of introspection that has led you to this observation honors you. You deserve leniency towards yourself. Learn to forgive yourself.

Forgiveness does not erase the past from a relationship, but it allows the relationship to have a future. (Anonymous) On the
other hand, when this analysis reinforces the conviction that responsibilities are shared, then each protagonist must take into account the fact that, if he has sometimes been offended, he may have – at other times – been offensive . This recognition will lead the protagonists towards the indispensable path of empathy. The testimony of the offender’s empathy is crucial. It determines the resolution and the amicable closure of the social accident. Recall that – in this situation – empathy takes hold when the offender tries to communicate his experience of an emotional response to the emotion expressed by the offended person.

Example 1: I acknowledge that my candor can sometimes attract a lie. From now on, know that I will ask you here and there to provide me with pledges of your loyalty.

Example 2: I want you to recognize how much I felt insulted by your insubordination … even though I agree that we should reexamine the rights and duties of each one within the family.

And who forgives crime becomes an accomplice. (Voltaire)
What to do in the absence of empathy? Wanting to forgive the offenses of a person locked in his egoism would inevitably compromise you. If your “offender” does not show empathy, then you may need to reconsider the merits of this relationship. Indeed, why pursue a potentially toxic relationship? What can we expect from an individual who is devoid of sensitivity who cares only for his own interest, even to the detriment of others? The temporary shelving of this offender then becomes a necessity: that of preserving you.